It was here and now it’s gone! Well, almost gone. I am talking about 2015.
I mean it’s only December 31st, and for procrastinators like me, that is plenty of time! Time to evaluate the past year, finish up on resolutions (it’s completely possible to finish those books I resolved to read in the next 10hrs), and work on goals for the next year. I have plenty of time. In fact, I think I am going to finish the laundry and write on my blog, before I check these things off my list! Like I said, I have plenty of time…
Let the cycle of procrastination begin!
The older I get, the more conscience I am of the slippage of time. I am sure everyone feels this way and I’m just late to the party, but I can’t help but feel this was the fastest year I have lived through. And even though it’s exactly the same amount of time as the last year, it still seems faster than the year before. Does this make me less of a procrastinator? NO. Does this make me feel like a sentimental, weepy fool? YES. One hundred times; YES!
I have written to death the fact that my kiddos are now pretty much teenagers, and about how much I miss them being babies/toddlers. Really, I miss anything but teenagers (people say that someday I will miss this stage too…but, My Lord in Heaven, I KNOW it will not be anytime soon).
Some people are teen whisperers. Teenagers are their jam! They love this stage. They are able to somehow communicate intelligently with these little hormonal monsters! It’s like their soul purpose was to parent teenagers. I am not this person! I know I don’t have a choice in the matter because all babies turn into teenagers, but I feel like I am fumbling my way through these years. Left wishing for the years when I felt like somewhat of an expert to be back.
The other day, my oldest was in the depths of despair because he was the only one without a specific XBOX game. Now, please recall that Christmas was only a week ago and he received, what can only be described as a “crap load” of gifts! Ranging from clothes, shoes, a portable speaker and a variety of many other things; he did all right when it came to receiving end of Christmas.
But, he didn’t get this particular game.
Now, I knew he was going to get it. We had spoken to the grandparents and conveyed to them how much he wanted it. He was getting the game. He just had to wait until we were able to see them.
I could see the way this little disappointment was working it’s way through his teenage mind. He really is s a good kid, so he was more than grateful for everything he had gotten. But, it was still in the back of his mind that he hadn’t gotten what he really wanted. It was very interesting to watch this play out in his mind and actions.
It started with lots of thank-yous. Then it went to wishfulness (you know, “thank you but I wish I would have gotten this game too” kinda thing). Then maybe someone had gotten it for him and he just hadn’t received it yet. It moved on to that maybe he could do some chores around the house to earn the money to buy the game. Then there was regret for spending his last paycheck on something other than the game. Then would I buy it for him and he would work it off. Then it was, you know “I really deserved to get this game but, I didn’t and I got a lot of other things I like, so I guess it’s okay.”
Then, the ugly teenager hormones began to rear their ugly head and took over my sweet child’s mind and heart…
He deserved the game. Everyone else had it, he shouldn’t have to wait and see if he got it. We should just buy it for him. He would work it off; better yet, we should just buy it for him because he was a good kid. Finally (the best one yet), IT WASN’T FAIR! He was being left out and didn’t have the game. Of course, I was in complete control of fixing this for him and making him happy and I wasn’t doing anything about it!!!
I swear to you sometimes you see yourself in your kids and it is so humbling you just want to run away and hide! You just want to cry, pray, and plead with God that they don’t have to learn the same hard lessons you are still trying to learn…that they will be spared the same regrettable heartache you could have avoided if you would have just been still and silent…
You see, I have been dealing with this exact same scenario in my own life.
There is something I want. Something I want really bad. It’s a good thing. It’s not a selfish thing. And, it is entirely out of my control. And, I want it so bad I can hardly stand it anymore.
And, I have watched myself go through that same thought process that he went through.
I have said the same things to God for what seems like forever. I have tried to be thankful. I have tried to bargain/earn it. I have even allowed myself to follow that ugly little cycle all the way to self-entitlement; and I am not a teenager anymore…
I found myself on the stairs looking into my son’s blue eyes saying the words I am sure God has been trying to get me to understand for the at least 8 years now.
“Sometimes, you just have to trust that I have your best interest at heart. Sometimes, it’s not the best thing for you to get exactly what you want the minute you think of it. Sometimes, I know that waiting is the best thing you can do.”
As, I spoke those words to him I almost had an out of body experience.
You see, I knew he was getting the game, and I knew when he was getting it. It was so silly for him to waste all of his time scheming ways to get it. It was a waste of his emotional energy to dwell on all the reasons he deserved it, and to try to control how he got it.
And, all of the sudden I felt God’s heart when He sees mine.
I wish that was the end of it. That he listened to me and moved on. It wasn’t and he didn’t.
But, he settled down, did other things and, stopped whining about it. Yesterday, he got his hearts desire (insert sarcasm here): Star Wars Battlefront.
I am going to choose happy on my way into this New Year because of what can only be described as the Lord’s divine patience with me. God has a way of showing me my own teenage heart in what is usually gentle and patient way. A way that I could do well to learn as I navigate through this pretty messy stage where I have no idea what I am doing and tend to lose my cool once in awhile (yeah, right).
Now, where did I put that list of resolutions…oh, look it’s snowing; I should definitely shovel the driveway first! I have plenty of time 🙂